The elephant and the ostrich: building emotionally intelligent leadership
January 23, 2024
An elephant will use both its curiosity and its highly sensitive trunk, ears, and other senses to investigate an unfamiliar situation. An ostrich, on the other hand, has two speeds: coming at you full steam with its wings flapping, or putting its head in the sand. Over the years, we’ve probably all had bosses that fit into each of these categories! Some of them yell and scream, flying off the handle at the smallest inconvenience (or ignoring warnings about a problem until it blows up in their face). Others take their time, listen to their people, and build relationships. But if you’re a driver moving into a management role (or even if you’ve already been in one for a while), how do you make sure you’re the elephant and not the ostrich?
One of the big differences between these leadership approaches is emotional intelligence (EQ). It’s a little like IQ, but instead of being about book smarts, it’s about how tuned-in you are to emotional states (yours and others’), and how well you can navigate the sometimes-messy business of managing people.
EQ: So what is it, exactly?
Imagine someone you know walks into your office with their arms crossed, a scowl on their face and only giving one-word answers. If you understand that all of these signals are telling you something, you’ve already got a good grounding in emotional intelligence. EQ is the ability to recognize other people’s emotions (and your own), and then use that information to guide the conversation in a way that is calm and constructive. Your EQ is about using empathy to respond to what other people are telling you (even without words), and managing your own emotions in a way that is just right for the situation.
Do I really need it to lead?
When a vehicle hits the brakes hard, you can watch the cascade of brake lights from the vehicles behind—one, then the next, and so on. A boss with a low EQ can have a similar effect: they yell at the dispatch manager for a simple mistake, and the manager’s emotional reaction may get passed on to the next driver they talk to, who is then angry when they get to a customer location. And that can have a direct effect on your bottom line, all because the person at the top couldn’t handle their emotions.
The reality is that emotionally mature (high EQ) workplaces function better. You get stronger relationships and decreased stress, and an increased ability to deal with new challenges. Even the FBI recognizes EQ as a crucial part of successful leadership and negotiation.
One reason it improves workplaces is that empathy and understanding are important parts of teamwork. With high EQ leaders, employees tend to be more understanding, tolerant and respectful, and that builds better teams. What’s more, understanding the emotions behind your team’s behavior is going to help you figure out how to get the best out of them.
How do I get better at it?
Unlike IQ, you can actually do things to improve your emotional intelligence. Even if you already have some strengths, you might still have some weaknesses that are holding you back. A safety manager may be a great active listener with strong empathy. But when it comes to facing conflict, his calmness flies out the door and he gets aggressive. So being able to recognize and work on certain parts of your EQ will only make you a better leader.
To get better at it, here are two sets of strategies: the first is a list of ways you can develop your EQ in the long term, and the other is a set of quick hacks that people with high EQ already use, and that you can use at work starting today.
Long-term development:
- Improve your self-awareness
When you feel a strong emotion, try to identify it and think about why you might be feeling that way. This can start you on the road to understanding what sorts of things ‘set you off’ and help learn stronger self-regulation. You can also seek feedback from others on what strengths and weaknesses they see in you (but make sure you are ready to hear any negative feedback!).
- Improve your social awareness
There's more to emotional intelligence than understanding your own emotions. Remember, you also need to understand and manage others. One way you can do this is with active listening. This is where you really focus on what the other person is saying in order to improve your connection with them. Another way to improve social awareness is through reading: reading stories with complex characters is great practice for seeing a situation through another person’s eyes (even if they are fictional).
- Boost your social interaction skills
Think about your management style and whether or not it is getting you the results you want. Are you too heavy-handed? Too laid-back? Watch and listen to how people respond when you are interacting with them. Another method is to learn more about conflict resolution, which is a specific set of skills for diffusing difficult situations (which you are going to come up against at some point!).
Quick Hacks:
- Be the calm one
If someone is yelling and screaming at you, they may not have the ability to calm themselves down. That’s where you come in. Use a calm, soothing voice (even if you are tempted to yell back)—watch how the other person almost automatically drops their volume in response. The tone of someone’s voice actually has the ability to trigger a calming response in the listener’s brain. It won’t solve the problem, but it may get you to a place where you can have a constructive (non- yelling) conversation.
- Mirror, mirror
Similar to the effect of a calm voice, mirroring the other person’s body language can send a powerful non-verbal signal that you are tuned in to what they are saying. If someone is opening up to you about something sensitive, placing your arms or body in the same position as theirs can send an empathetic signal that you are taking them seriously.
- 80/20
A big part of active listening is knowing when to shut up. When you are listening to someone get something off their chest, remember to listen 80% of the time and talk for 20%. You’ll find that holding yourself back like this will give you lots of opportunities not only to listen to what the other person is saying but also to watch their body language and other non-verbal cues.
Helping your team succeed can be incredibly gratifying, but managing people can also be difficult and messy. Approaching situations with the curiosity and patience of an elephant is a must if you’re going to be an effective leader, and working on your EQ is a surefire way of building teamwork and resilience. It’ll also help you manage conflict without ruffling too many (ostrich) feathers.